Staring into her beautiful eyes I sighed. I knew all my past was my fault. I knew all my wrong doings was well, my fault. But..But. This is sudden. This is something I didn't know which could end up like this. I didn't know it would end up in a way, like this. In this frikking condition. I blame myself. Really. I blame it all to me. All, just focus your darn lights at me, its me. Yes me. I knew I shouldn't have hurt her. I knew it all along, but boy was I sucked into my own selfish world. Yeah, now I know how much it hurts. It hurts me so bad, even the happiest song made me cry. But. I didn't know. I didn't. I... Didn't... Know.. That it would end up like this. Holding her smooth palms I looked on her face. I see her eyes closed, the plastic thing fits just nicely between her nose and mouth. She was breathing, duh. I stared blankly at her and did not notice my eyes was beginning to be watery. I sighed with a deep sigh and cried. It was quiet. The entire hospital was quiet. Thank goodness I negotiated with her mum and let me stay her to accompany her. The hospital was dead silent. I glanced at my watch, it was three in the morning, right. I sat there and cried and cried without stopping, I was hoping to drain out all my tears. No, I can't hold it back any longer. No, I can't. I did not notice anything, but then I dozed off, I think. I woke up to find the dark skies are slowly clearing. It was five forty in the morning. Nothing in my life was ever that special and precious. Nothing. Except when she stepped into my life and made a difference. She made a whole new me. A whole new me. I'll say that again, a whole new me. I lied down beside her and closed me eyes. Hoping for her to wake up. she did not move an inch. Still, I put all my hope in her, hoping that she would wake up sometime soon. But it was all to no avail. I lied down, and instantly my mind shifted into a moment when we were not even together, we were only friends. I know, but I still loved her no matter what. She made me loved her. We were doing good together, but weren't that close enough. I wasn't thinking of asking her any sooner or later, which I sighed I didn't. At least if we were couples it would make a slight different, but the slight different means so much to me. I was being myself, dumb, silly, wacky kinda person, lame, and laughing with an accent. She was being herself. Complaining to me about guys telling her they loved her. Complaining this and that to me, strangely, I enjoyed listening to them. But everyday, my love for her doubled, doubled, tripled, quadrapled. You name it, I don't care, cause love can't be measured. Can it? But I remembered that dreadful day, that cursed day of my life. I knew after that she was okay. But I was being dumb and naive and also, childish. I asked you the wrong questions. I asked you the wrong topics. It was like I was trying to hit a jackpot in a 4D game, biut instead I dropped to just consolation. I never did hit the jackpot. Did I? I felt dumb founded and speechless. She was the hardest girl I'm going to get, but I will get her anyway, even if it requires my life. You see, my life ain't that important. Its just, nothing, I'm like a servant, slave during the Egytian times. Nothing, like dust. I guess that was why I was in love with military too. I needed love, but all I got in return was hurt, anger, depression, desperation and sometimes I leaved myself alone. I would indulge myself in military machines, weapons of mass destruction, missiles, torpedoes, attack helicopters, jet fighters, guns, games anything that could cure me from my all my downside. I wouldn't mind being Punisher someday. Haha. Yeah, you might think I'm just one desperate old fool. Ha. You got that right. I admit. Fine. What's the point to acting when you aren't that kind of person at all? I do not like that. Oh yes, I'm a sadist. I picture myself with a sniper rifle in my hand, gripping the handle tight, I kept my eyes on my target, setting them into my scoping sights, aiming just nice on the forehead. He didn't see me. He can't see me. We're invinsible. Whispering a prayer of condolences I shot my target. He dropped and fell instantanously. Like a vegetable stalk being let up vertical. The body was lifeless. I kept watch as the whole place turned haywire. I backed away...
But really, honestly I did not know she would end up in this manner. I did not know, but I'm sorry, she would end up on this hospital bed instead of me. I was hoping for myself to get an accident and just lay there and die. I asked my sisters for forgiveness already. Now's my parents. But I know, I wouldn't mind dying, that's the best way to cure myself from loveless, though I know God's there. But anyway. it was her- why wasn't it me? Why is this world so unfair and vice versa??! I wanted to be the one who forgets her and be on the bed and slowly die a torturing death, nah, kidding. I would like to die as fast as possible. No delays. But honestly, I have becomed a straight forward person, although I'm not one hundred percent straight. But I do not like to jump around the bush, you know what I mean? lol. But just in a series of unfortunate events it became like this, what hell. As I lay there, I remembered the questions I asked, the hurt I felt when she answered me, but I took the courage to forget it all, I know I shouldn't have asked her to read my blog. I knew it. But I was being such an ignoring basterd. I ignored my feelings and thought positively, "Hey! She's gonna like this." But in the end, it doesn't even matter. She's gone now. Away from my side, not dead. Don't think wrong. She's away from my side, dodging every possible way out of my sight. Even the closest, tinniest hole, she would fit just right in. I remembered she praised me, saying I was perfect. I guess she took it all back. *Chuckles8 I know she would never enter my blog ever again, I wouldn't be surprise if she deleted me from her account. But that is too much. I don't know. I'm feeling so regretful now. As the old saying, the rice has turned to porridge, meaning there is no way to turn that porridge into rice, there isn't. This is what I call a dead end. Recently I replaced my wallpaper to her. It's just so painful, I wished at that spot I would just frikking get heart attack and say goodbye to everyone. haha. If only. But no, I know I live for a reason. I know I have my chores and points in life. But, I'm still searching it out. But really, looking at strangers I kept thinking in my mind, nobody has ever met a girl like her before. She was the cutest, sweetest thing you can think off. The perfect girl for me. But, I guess I just disqualified her. But really, no hard feelings. I'm not mad at her at all. No. In fact, I am telling the truth now, I'm embarrased. I'm totally embarrased. One quadrillion times, maybe infinity. I wanted to do something about it. I consulted my sister, she asked me to tell her mother. That's the only way. But try being in my position, hey, I have feelings too man! I'm not a rock solid robot! - How I wish I was an animal. Just live, eat, sleep, mate, die. That's it, all fair and square, but, thankful to live in this world without peace and a lot sins. Haha. Really. Now I know why she hated the world so much. But still. I am beginning to hate this world too, imaging it to be something dreadful like partial hell or something. I don't care whatever she thinks of me. I just want her. Sounds desperate to you? No? You're weird. Or maybe you are like me, emotionless. But then. I suddenly jerked up, I heard a low beeping of sound. My eyes widened. Quickly I grasped the button with the word written 'Emergency' and pressed it numerous times. Immediately a nurse and doctor came rushing into the room and by her bed. The nurse asked me out, quite rude, but I was feeling dumb, numb and speechless. I was praying for a miracle to happen. A really real miracle. The doctor and nurse was in there a few minutes, then more and more minutes, I started to worry, I contacted her mum, and asked her mum not to ruch to the hospital, they're doing all they can. She just said okay and hanged up. I felt sorry. I felt so many things in my mind. I do not want her to go away so fast. She's so young. Silently I prayed a prayer. A few minutes later, the doctor came out, her mother was pacing, I could hear her footsteps. He came to me with a relieved face and said, "She's fine."
I sighed and tears begun to run down my cheeks, her mother, looking at my tears, cried. I looked behind, not noticing her, then I told her, "She's fine." And put my hands on her back to calm her down. Her mum replied, "Why did you cry?"
"Tears of joy." I said. "Tears of joy." I repeated. Her mother smiled and sighed. I walked into her room. Looking at her in bed with the transparent tubes, the water pack hung on a vertical point, a transparent tube was inserted into her wrists, I saw two injectors with a bright red colour filling up on her left hand, I see a white tank with red letters bearing "Oxygen, O2". I looked down at her. She wasn't moving. Her chest was going up and down, up and down. I sat by her bed and held onto her smooth palms and whispered, "I'm really sorry about what I have done. Please forgive me. I know you hate me for whatever I said in my blog, but please, that was sometime ago, please just let it go and forgive me. I promise you I would be another man. I promise you I would be someone you'd want, the guy or man of your dreams. I promise. I'll promise to give all the love that you want, all the things that you want. Anything. Just don't leave me now, don't leave us, your parents, family, friends, please."
Then I felt a sudden jolt. It was a sharp pain stinging my chest. I grabbed my chest, but my chest was flat, so I pressed my chest to calm the pain down. It was no use. I let go off her hands, that was where I felt a grip. I stared at her, her head moved slowly, her eyes were trying to open, I stared at her eyes, my eyes were in such pitiness what I felt tears coming down again, I was crying, then I let her palm off, I saw water coming out form her eyes, I dropped to the floor, I went unconcious. I didn't feel anything.... No. Nothing. All I felt was a cold chill. And all I heard was silence.....
*Note:The above story is absolutely fiction and does not involve anyone, dead or alive. The story is 100% copyrighted and should not be reproduced in any form by any means possible. Thank you and enjoy reading.
Regards, the Author
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