I hear murmuring. I listen to the silence when it gets darker. I see lights, not bright, it was dimmed, it was so silent. I couldn't stand it. But I could not move a muscle. I felt so tired and lifeless. I felt sharp pain on my hands, I felt a plastic surrounding my face, covering me with fresh air? I sense my heart rate was fast and irregular. I get nervous when the murmurs stops. My heart rate would increase almost unsuspectingly. I feel so lazy to open my eyes.
_________________________________________________________________________
Memories. All that's left was memories. Between you and me. Just memories. Nothing else. Memories of us together here and there, laughing and kidding. I missed those days. Memories of when you told me what had happened, I felt moved, touched, did I mention deeply? Yeah, deeply moved. But its all just lingering in my mind. Nothing else. Just the picture of you, the largest portrait ever found in my few kilograms of brains. Its all just...memories. oh how much I dread being in my mind so much, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't... Wait. To be with you. If.. If.. If only I was conscious during our times together, I would have noticed, but it was wholly, entirely, massively my fault. No one else. I should have noticed every single inch of you that is pure, kind, loving, sweet, cute, caring. Every single- but its too late. I should have treasured you, known you more, but I did not asked a question about you. I did not. I was being selfish. I was being- oh gawd. I'm stuck in my own self regret. I regret for everything that I have done. I have never said this before but, I regret. I regret! But I didn't know your family was a in a dilemma. I did not know. Even though I knew I thought it would end quickly, but it seemed not. I made you angry. I made you mad at me. I made you... Sigh. Hate me. Sigh.
You don't know how thankful I am to know you. You don't know how thankful I am to have known you five percent better. That's better than one percent for me. I know you are mad. If only you gave me a chance. How sad your life is I didn't know. I was indulged in the idea that you loved me. It is true. I'm telling you the truth. But now that I know, it is too late. It is already insignificant for me to say anything. But I say it anyway. I want you to know. I want you to know how much I think of you everyday. Every single day, every single second. But you left. You left me. You left me speechless, you left me with a part of my heart. I made you angry. I made you leave me. I made you angry.. I made you... Hate me.
In my memory we smile. In my memory you disturbed me a lot, you wanted my attention. I didn't give you any- or I did gave you a minimal attention. I do not know. In my memory we are happy. In my memory we are friends. In my memory, you were everything to me. In my memory was my ego. My ego was so massive.
But but what am I doing here?
I gasped. Everything around me seemed weird. "I am not in heaven right?" I asked myself, staring at things which seemed familiar, but I didn't know what it was. I had no clue what they were called. I glanced around. I see nobody. I looked at my hands, I see a wrist paper written, 'Patient: Benjamin Douglas #53' I relaxed on my bed. I looked around me again and again. I saw a window. I got up, suddenly my heart felt pain. I sat back. Unable to move. Just then, I heard a fast beep tone. I looked to my right, looking at it the word read, 'Emergency', was blinking. I sighed without knowing. I lied down. A lady in a uniform came.
"Hello. How are you doing Mr. Douglas?"
"I'm fine Miss-" I was staring hard at her name tag. "Miss Sandy."
She smiled. And then told me, "Relax sir. Your heart isn't perfect yet. Doctors did a by pass. Don't worry. You'll live for longer years. We'll monitor you."
I smiled back. Understanding half of what she said. I sat back and was soon asleep. I felt so tired. This was where my dream came in.
I was standing with her. Just us both. We held hands. Our background was a huge cake, together with a man with a tux suit and a lady in a white gown. The gown made the little model so pretty, it was her face. Staring back at her, it was the same person, looking at the male model shrieked me, it was me! It wasn't really a nightmare though. I smiled at her. Then we kissed. And cut. I suddenly was awaken by my own nightmare. I looked up into the white ceiling, thinking of this girl. I sat in the bed for a moment. Then I looked around. I paged for a lady with the uniform. I waited, I pressed the button, 'Emergency' and calmly waited for her. Another lady entered the room. She looked at me and asked me,"Are you okay?"
"Yes. Can you explain what happened to me?" I quickly get into my topic.
She sighed and said, "You fainted on floor two, room i-5509, clasping your chest. We quickly rushed you to ER. Your heart beat had stopped for one minute. We still have chance. Then we did a by pass and now you are here."
"Oh." I said shortly. "How long do I have to stay here?"
"Depends. If your heart is strong, you can get off within a week, or else, months."
"Oh." I said again, putting my head in a sulking position. "Okay. Thanks."
"Welcome." came her reply and she walked off.
I sat in the hospital for a few days more. Then I was what they called, discharged. I did not know where to go. But I had a house in my mind, I'm not sure who's house, but I wanna get there as soon as possible. I paced to the bus stop. Sitting there I wandered about so many things. I sat still. Suddenly a rush of memories lead me to her house. Instantly like a robot, I got up and walked, and walked. And walked. I never stop, I just continued walking, the girl's image portrayed in my head, the biggest portrait ever. Her face was cute, she had a nice and sweet, warm smile. She has two dimples which made her cute when she smiled, her eyes sparkle every time she smiled, her fringe was down from her top middle down towards the right, her hair was shoulder length, tied back, she looked like an angel to me. I never knew who she was. She just randomly appeared in my dream. I kept walking, keeping her image in my head. Never wanting it out. After a few hours of so called hiking, I reached my destination. I stood in front of the house. It felt somewhat awkward and the feeling of strangeness? Staring at the house was a stainless steel gate, coated in silver, the fences was made out of bricks, I saw two altars at the right, I heard water pouring out, a small fish pond. I saw one Toyota and one Naza car. I saw the grill tinted with silverish-grey, the door was brown, the windows was about human height. I stared. Trying to get the haywire and traffic jam out of my mind. I can't, it was as though it was blocked by a firewall or an access code.
I then saw a small button. I pressed it. After awhile the door opened. I saw a lady standing at the door, staring at her and she staring at me she said this, "Nanti, saya panggil ma'am"
I stunned. I didn't know a word she was saying! The another lady appeared. Now she seemed familiar I thought to myself.
"Hey Benjie. What are you doing here? How did you come?"
I stunned. I didn't know what to say. "I..er. I don't know. May I know who are you?" I said stammering.
"Oh. Yeah. Your sister is not here. She's on her way home. She just left."
"My? My sister?" I said. "Who's she?"
Letting out a sigh she brought me in. The house seemed all familiar for me. I saw a 50 inch Plasma TV, whatever it is called. I saw the white tiles, and something caught my eye, a pink colour decorated handphone. It was switched on. Slowly I picked it up. The lady stopped and studied me. I stared at the phone and said, "This looks familiar."
She smile and replied, "Its my daugther's. You remember her? Amelia?"
I stunned at her name. Slowly I read the contents of the phone. Slowly I went through her messages, her inbox, her files, musics, contacts. Everything till I reached the file named 'Picture'. I opened the file. I stunned as it was the very girl I see in my dream. I sat back and stared at her pictures. Slowly and unknowingly my tears flowed out. I didn't know why. I just sat and the tears came out. Just flow out like a river, like rain, raining down on earth. I just cried. I guess I really wanted her. I looked at the nice lady, she looked at me, her eyes are red, I see water running down her eyes, I didn't say anything. Then I noticed a boy standing about a few feet away. He looked at me and said, "Hi."
I stared at him and replied in a sobbing voice, "Hi."
"You remember me? I'm Kenny."
"Yes. I think." I replied. Slowly remembering his face somewhere near my house, where was my house?
Then the nice lady said, "Its okay Benjie. Its time to show you, where she is."
"She's here?" I asked quickly. "I wanna see her. I need to tell her something. I need to tell her urgently."
"No she is not Benjie. She left."
"She left? How can she run away from home?"
"No Benjie, not run away. She's not here anymore."
I felt the pressure on my chest. I can't believe what she was saying, how can she say her own daughter is what I feared most? Dead? No. That's not ncie to tell someone about your daugther. I looked at her and said,"Impossible. She's here. She's somewhere here! I know she is! Sh'e in school right?" I sort of screamed. I ran up to her room, it was packed nicely, a picture hung on the wall. I broke down. Completely broke down and cried. I can't believe she's gone so fast. She's only 18!
Stammering I asked her mother, "What- What happened?"
"She had a fall and she had a blood clot in her brain. She didn't fight. But she did left us all a note."
I quickly looked at her and asked, "Where is it?"
"There." she pointed out on her pillow.
Quickly I took the note, it read;
Nothing. Just a picture of her.
"Whats' the meaning of this?" I demanded.
"In memory of Amelia. This one's for you. I hope she forgives you."
I didn't say anything but just cried. The entire day I stayed in her room. I couldn't believe it. Then the very next day I woke up in her room, on the floor.
"Its time Benjie. We're going to see her."
Quickly I woke up and rushed behind her mother. We drove to the cemetary. When we reached there I calmed myself, thinking this was all just a sick lie and a very deep sick joke. I followed them. Then I saw a carved stone with her name on it. I knelt down and instantly wept. Nobody said anything, they watched me throw the grasses around, fling myself to the tree, throw the dead branches, throw stones. They watched and silently cried.
"There is nothing left to say when someone leaves earth. There's only memories left. So treasure everyone you love, for you do not know when they might or will leave earth."
Only memories of her. Memories...
_________________________________________________________________________
Memories. All that's left was memories. Between you and me. Just memories. Nothing else. Memories of us together here and there, laughing and kidding. I missed those days. Memories of when you told me what had happened, I felt moved, touched, did I mention deeply? Yeah, deeply moved. But its all just lingering in my mind. Nothing else. Just the picture of you, the largest portrait ever found in my few kilograms of brains. Its all just...memories. oh how much I dread being in my mind so much, I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't... Wait. To be with you. If.. If.. If only I was conscious during our times together, I would have noticed, but it was wholly, entirely, massively my fault. No one else. I should have noticed every single inch of you that is pure, kind, loving, sweet, cute, caring. Every single- but its too late. I should have treasured you, known you more, but I did not asked a question about you. I did not. I was being selfish. I was being- oh gawd. I'm stuck in my own self regret. I regret for everything that I have done. I have never said this before but, I regret. I regret! But I didn't know your family was a in a dilemma. I did not know. Even though I knew I thought it would end quickly, but it seemed not. I made you angry. I made you mad at me. I made you... Sigh. Hate me. Sigh.
You don't know how thankful I am to know you. You don't know how thankful I am to have known you five percent better. That's better than one percent for me. I know you are mad. If only you gave me a chance. How sad your life is I didn't know. I was indulged in the idea that you loved me. It is true. I'm telling you the truth. But now that I know, it is too late. It is already insignificant for me to say anything. But I say it anyway. I want you to know. I want you to know how much I think of you everyday. Every single day, every single second. But you left. You left me. You left me speechless, you left me with a part of my heart. I made you angry. I made you leave me. I made you angry.. I made you... Hate me.
In my memory we smile. In my memory you disturbed me a lot, you wanted my attention. I didn't give you any- or I did gave you a minimal attention. I do not know. In my memory we are happy. In my memory we are friends. In my memory, you were everything to me. In my memory was my ego. My ego was so massive.
But but what am I doing here?
I gasped. Everything around me seemed weird. "I am not in heaven right?" I asked myself, staring at things which seemed familiar, but I didn't know what it was. I had no clue what they were called. I glanced around. I see nobody. I looked at my hands, I see a wrist paper written, 'Patient: Benjamin Douglas #53' I relaxed on my bed. I looked around me again and again. I saw a window. I got up, suddenly my heart felt pain. I sat back. Unable to move. Just then, I heard a fast beep tone. I looked to my right, looking at it the word read, 'Emergency', was blinking. I sighed without knowing. I lied down. A lady in a uniform came.
"Hello. How are you doing Mr. Douglas?"
"I'm fine Miss-" I was staring hard at her name tag. "Miss Sandy."
She smiled. And then told me, "Relax sir. Your heart isn't perfect yet. Doctors did a by pass. Don't worry. You'll live for longer years. We'll monitor you."
I smiled back. Understanding half of what she said. I sat back and was soon asleep. I felt so tired. This was where my dream came in.
I was standing with her. Just us both. We held hands. Our background was a huge cake, together with a man with a tux suit and a lady in a white gown. The gown made the little model so pretty, it was her face. Staring back at her, it was the same person, looking at the male model shrieked me, it was me! It wasn't really a nightmare though. I smiled at her. Then we kissed. And cut. I suddenly was awaken by my own nightmare. I looked up into the white ceiling, thinking of this girl. I sat in the bed for a moment. Then I looked around. I paged for a lady with the uniform. I waited, I pressed the button, 'Emergency' and calmly waited for her. Another lady entered the room. She looked at me and asked me,"Are you okay?"
"Yes. Can you explain what happened to me?" I quickly get into my topic.
She sighed and said, "You fainted on floor two, room i-5509, clasping your chest. We quickly rushed you to ER. Your heart beat had stopped for one minute. We still have chance. Then we did a by pass and now you are here."
"Oh." I said shortly. "How long do I have to stay here?"
"Depends. If your heart is strong, you can get off within a week, or else, months."
"Oh." I said again, putting my head in a sulking position. "Okay. Thanks."
"Welcome." came her reply and she walked off.
I sat in the hospital for a few days more. Then I was what they called, discharged. I did not know where to go. But I had a house in my mind, I'm not sure who's house, but I wanna get there as soon as possible. I paced to the bus stop. Sitting there I wandered about so many things. I sat still. Suddenly a rush of memories lead me to her house. Instantly like a robot, I got up and walked, and walked. And walked. I never stop, I just continued walking, the girl's image portrayed in my head, the biggest portrait ever. Her face was cute, she had a nice and sweet, warm smile. She has two dimples which made her cute when she smiled, her eyes sparkle every time she smiled, her fringe was down from her top middle down towards the right, her hair was shoulder length, tied back, she looked like an angel to me. I never knew who she was. She just randomly appeared in my dream. I kept walking, keeping her image in my head. Never wanting it out. After a few hours of so called hiking, I reached my destination. I stood in front of the house. It felt somewhat awkward and the feeling of strangeness? Staring at the house was a stainless steel gate, coated in silver, the fences was made out of bricks, I saw two altars at the right, I heard water pouring out, a small fish pond. I saw one Toyota and one Naza car. I saw the grill tinted with silverish-grey, the door was brown, the windows was about human height. I stared. Trying to get the haywire and traffic jam out of my mind. I can't, it was as though it was blocked by a firewall or an access code.
I then saw a small button. I pressed it. After awhile the door opened. I saw a lady standing at the door, staring at her and she staring at me she said this, "Nanti, saya panggil ma'am"
I stunned. I didn't know a word she was saying! The another lady appeared. Now she seemed familiar I thought to myself.
"Hey Benjie. What are you doing here? How did you come?"
I stunned. I didn't know what to say. "I..er. I don't know. May I know who are you?" I said stammering.
"Oh. Yeah. Your sister is not here. She's on her way home. She just left."
"My? My sister?" I said. "Who's she?"
Letting out a sigh she brought me in. The house seemed all familiar for me. I saw a 50 inch Plasma TV, whatever it is called. I saw the white tiles, and something caught my eye, a pink colour decorated handphone. It was switched on. Slowly I picked it up. The lady stopped and studied me. I stared at the phone and said, "This looks familiar."
She smile and replied, "Its my daugther's. You remember her? Amelia?"
I stunned at her name. Slowly I read the contents of the phone. Slowly I went through her messages, her inbox, her files, musics, contacts. Everything till I reached the file named 'Picture'. I opened the file. I stunned as it was the very girl I see in my dream. I sat back and stared at her pictures. Slowly and unknowingly my tears flowed out. I didn't know why. I just sat and the tears came out. Just flow out like a river, like rain, raining down on earth. I just cried. I guess I really wanted her. I looked at the nice lady, she looked at me, her eyes are red, I see water running down her eyes, I didn't say anything. Then I noticed a boy standing about a few feet away. He looked at me and said, "Hi."
I stared at him and replied in a sobbing voice, "Hi."
"You remember me? I'm Kenny."
"Yes. I think." I replied. Slowly remembering his face somewhere near my house, where was my house?
Then the nice lady said, "Its okay Benjie. Its time to show you, where she is."
"She's here?" I asked quickly. "I wanna see her. I need to tell her something. I need to tell her urgently."
"No she is not Benjie. She left."
"She left? How can she run away from home?"
"No Benjie, not run away. She's not here anymore."
I felt the pressure on my chest. I can't believe what she was saying, how can she say her own daughter is what I feared most? Dead? No. That's not ncie to tell someone about your daugther. I looked at her and said,"Impossible. She's here. She's somewhere here! I know she is! Sh'e in school right?" I sort of screamed. I ran up to her room, it was packed nicely, a picture hung on the wall. I broke down. Completely broke down and cried. I can't believe she's gone so fast. She's only 18!
Stammering I asked her mother, "What- What happened?"
"She had a fall and she had a blood clot in her brain. She didn't fight. But she did left us all a note."
I quickly looked at her and asked, "Where is it?"
"There." she pointed out on her pillow.
Quickly I took the note, it read;
Nothing. Just a picture of her.
"Whats' the meaning of this?" I demanded.
"In memory of Amelia. This one's for you. I hope she forgives you."
I didn't say anything but just cried. The entire day I stayed in her room. I couldn't believe it. Then the very next day I woke up in her room, on the floor.
"Its time Benjie. We're going to see her."
Quickly I woke up and rushed behind her mother. We drove to the cemetary. When we reached there I calmed myself, thinking this was all just a sick lie and a very deep sick joke. I followed them. Then I saw a carved stone with her name on it. I knelt down and instantly wept. Nobody said anything, they watched me throw the grasses around, fling myself to the tree, throw the dead branches, throw stones. They watched and silently cried.
"There is nothing left to say when someone leaves earth. There's only memories left. So treasure everyone you love, for you do not know when they might or will leave earth."
Only memories of her. Memories...
.bmp)
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