As I stood there tears flowed down my cheeks. I didn't know what to expect, what to feel, what to react and what to do. All I could do was just stand there, dumb founded by the question she threw at me. It said, "Do you still think you're worth it to me?" I kept as silent as a mouse. Unable to comprehend the situation and the mixed feeling of anger, guilt, frustration and awfulness that the question impacted me with. I quickly mumbled something out of my mouth, even I do not remember what it was. She stared at me with such glaring eyes that my heart shrank into a small cube. I feel my stomach having butterflies and I had to sit. I felt as though the blood in my head has just stopped flowing momentarily after she asked me the question.
Uh, I can still feel the feeling I had when she said those words. It hurt me so deep I think it even punctured my heart. It was there and then that pur memories flashed back, the time before I met her, how I met her, how we grew closer together, how she expressed her feelings on things and issues she likes and dislikes. Our memories of hiking up the trail to a small mountain nearby the place I stay to see the sunrise and how we just sat there, staring into the morning sun and I remember myself telling her, "I wish everyday it would be like this. Just you and me, the sunrise, and the insects in the forests."
She gave me a giggled answer and smiled. Flashback to the day I proposed to her to be my girlfriend, it was on April the first, two thousand and eighteen. We have just gotten to know each other a little while, but I have been kinda of a pushy guy and strong centered as I really wanted to make her my girlfriend. Seeing as she is a gaming streamer, there were many other guys out there trying to woo her heart. I felt like a king when she accepted. It wasn't that easy. I had to prepare a dinner set of 3 course meals and dessert and of course I added the wine, not that I drink it at all, but its just as a symbol of class.
We had a little chat before dinner and I could tell that she was very pleased with it in her eyes. I took my chance and asked her, while pulling a red rose from my black blazer and standing up on my feet to approach her, she clasps her hands together to her lips in shock, as she did not expected this to happen. It was a surprise. It took me 2 whole months to get the 3 course meals to be in about eighty percent condition. I tried my best, but it was worth it.
Fast forward to a year later, we have had a few fights in the course of our relationship. And in all the fights, I was the one who is the asshole. I kept doubting her and suspect that she likes another guy from her community group. There were a few times when I indirectly asked her, "Hun, who's this guy who keeps talking to you on Whatsapp?" She just replies,"Oh, he's the guy who organizes events for me." And I went, "Ah." sarcastically.
She fired up. I guess she was on her period or she just couldn't take it anymore. She shot me with questions like,"You dont trust me is it?!" and "You think I'm cheating on you is it?!". I froze. I admit that it was my insecurities which made this all come true. The fear that I have since before I met her, rejection. I replied, "No, just asking only ma." Tyring to get my composure back from the shocking tone of her voice. A small sized girl, but her voice was as loud as a bullet being shot from 300 yards away. Funny.
She is a nice and outgoing girl, sometimes likes to stay home and just cuddle and watch movies and animes. Sometimes she acts cute and wants to be pampered with, and occasionally I would bring her out to fancy dinners and sometimes lunch, all happened on a weekend though. Sometimes I would just randomly surprise her with unsuspecting gifts. See, there is this part of my brain, which kinda remember what girls said to me, no matter who, as long as that person is a girl, I will lock in to them by something they said to me, whether its by sending me a song, letting me know as a friend or just suggesting it.
I have a knack for these things. It would take some time sometimes to get what she wants, hey, I'm not a rich guy. Just an average joe earning average income. But most of the times when I surprised her she was so delighted. The look in her face and her smile just melts my heart away. I knew I want to see her like this everyday. But I think the evil side of me got hold of me. It was a few days before our one year and two months anniversary that we had a fight.
It was the worst of it all. I saw her hanging out with a guy and being, to me, over friendly to the guy. I mean, he is good looking and funny. I've just known him as hi and bye type. But as I watched, my heart begun to feel angry and hurt at the same time, I couldn't hold my feelings any longer and I did not want to approach them there and create a scene. I instead took to instant messaging, Whatsapp. I blurted out hurtful words to her and accused her of liking that guy.
She got so mad. So, so mad. I have never seen her this mad before, but I think that that time, I have already pushed it too far. "She will never forgive me for this." My heart told me. I trembled in the fear of losing her completely this time. And my worst fears came true. She knew I was around there at that time as I was just lingering around while she was working. She replied my message with a sentence, "Meet me at the car now."
I read and did not reply. I chose not to reply because I knew the consequences of my actions, that what I had done was someting extremely foolish and selfish. I had only thought of my heart and not how she felt. I felt my heart burned. It felt hot, as though there was a nuclear explosion in it. Slowly I walked towards my car. I was thinking of the sorts of excuses and promises that I would say and expected what questions she would ask and how was I going to answer it.
I saw her from afar, waiting at my car. She stood there, with her white top and her black short skirt with frills and her favourite black choker around her neck with the necklace that I gave her as our first year anniversary present. Her arms were folded and the look on her face was what it took for my legs to feel shaky. I felt as though I couldn't walk, as though I was turning into a zombie. I walked slowly towards her.
And I saw, in her eyes, it was red, not that she was angry, but I could tell she was hurt. And at that instant moment, I remembered all her past stories of her family and what happened to her. I felt like a complete loser, worse than a loser, I felt like dust. I remember how she told me that her family do not felt like a family. And how she wished that she had known me earlier. All I could do was smile at that time. I had no words to say to her, all I did was smile and hugged her tightly. I swear I did tear up a bit. And so did she.
Her eyes were red and she was clasping tissues in between her fingers as she sobbed. Then she said these words,"Do you still think you're worth it to me?"
I replied her in a soft tone while looking deep into her eyes, "No."
She looked at me with her red and watery eyes and said,"I know you are worth it to me. I love you so much. Please understand that I will always love you no matter what and how the situation is." while walking towards me as I was standing about two feet away from her, and then she hugged me and sobbed loudly.
This was the moment that I will cherish forever. This was the moment that I will remember for the rest of my life, even if we don't work out over the years, that this woman, who has gone through so much hardships in life, never failed to smile and helped when she could, she never failed to cheer me up when I had a rough day at work, she always knows how to make me smile, make me laugh.
She is the one.
She will always be the one for me.
.bmp)
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